Post by thebluepheonix on Apr 29, 2006 13:51:43 GMT -5
OOC:Hey guys, this is a story I wrote a while ago. Its a rough draft and I'm not writing it anymore but I'm writing other stuff and would like your opinions on this in order to get a better view on my stories. Suggestions (nice ones, lol) comments, questions are all welcome and I would like you, if you want to write more to the story. Please do not write more than about 2 pages though because I want to see many different aspects of how people would put it together. I will give you a basic outline of what the story is, and you can take it from there.
Basically, this is the startings of a fantasy novel. It is in first person with an unnamed character which I would like to keep unnamed for the time being. Description is good as well as flashbacks from where he came from to give the reader more insight on what the main character is like. He is male and human, but any characters he meets in this new world can be any gender you like, any race you like etc. Magic was also planned to be in this story so you can use that as well. This is for me and you to use so please help me out! thanks a lot guys, good writing!
IC: It was the most peculiar thing I think I’ve seen in a long time. It’s as if a cave just appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the Sandstone cliff that I passed everyday. Hiding behind that bush it must have been easy to overlook….. yeah, that must have been it.
I dropped my backpack on the ground and peered inside the depths of the small opening to the cave that had to be no higher than four feet tall. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and opened it up inside of the cavern to use as light. I ducked down to a crouch and examined the hard stone that I had passed everyday, seemingly without a care, and felt it’s hard divots and bumps as I ran my fingers over it. The pale yellow outside in contrast to the dimly lit inside gave me a strange feeling. I waddled through the opening and felt as if I was in a different place, somewhere new…exciting almost. I moved my phone up and down the walls and across the floor and examined it too, to make sure that there would be no surprises when I entered. A wall of stalagmites blocked the path ahead and at the sight I looked up to see stalactites as well above them. They were massive and had to be at least six and a half feet tall, nothing I could climb over. I stared at them for a moment noticing how they looked in resemblance to a mouth… No, not a mouth, they looked like a row of teeth. It was as if I should happen to wander too close that they would cut you right in half. This was strange because stalagmites and stalactites usually formed vertical to one another, not interspersed like they were here. Either the cave was not level and somehow I couldn’t feel it or this cave wasn’t right in itself. In the present lighting, I assumed both to be reasonable logic.
I crept along to a stalagmite and felt the top of it. It was cold and wet. I wiped the water that was now on my hands onto my pants and looked for a way around these six and a half foot tall mountains that blocked my path. It was still too dark to tell, even with my cell phone lighting the way, if there was a break in the line although I knew the cavern was only at most twenty feet across. I decided to clumsily feel my way around from one end to the other.
“Trace!” I called out, “This isn’t funny! Let’s get out of here, this isn’t fun at all.”
I heard a giggle maybe 30 yards further into the cave and assumed it must be Trace so I continued to look for a way around. I followed the stalagmites right looking at their sharp, contrasting structure as I went. They were darker than outside, probably because of the water sediment that made them. They were a little oppressive seeing as how they were much taller than me and looked like the teeth that belonged to a gigantic beast. I imagined what it would be like to be inside the mouth of something like that and it didn’t differ much from what I was in now. Cold, wet, and sticky. The only thing that was missing was the tongue, and for all I knew, there could still be one on the other side of the teeth.
I continued walking and thinking for about five paces when my head was greeted firmly by a wet wall. My head bounced off the wall and I fell backwards, soaking my clothes on the also wet ground. The white tee-shirt that I was wearing was now soaked with water, and was probably covered in mud. I would have looked to see but my cell phone had fallen in the puddle next to me and I was now groveling around to find it. I splashed my hands through the water and searched for it, now blind. There was mucky goop at the bottom which made it extremely hard to search.
I continued this frantic search for my only light source as the dark became heavier with my imagination. I thought of all the abominable monsters that could creep up on me in the dark, including trolls, vampires, and the oh so real: mice.
“Damn you Trace, get your butt out here or I’m leaving! This is ridiculous,”
I knew it was an empty threat. He could really be hurt and I would never leave him here in a situation like this, even if he was playing a joke. This was like Trace though, he was always playing pranks, especially on me. In 8th grade, we were on the bus and he stood up from his seat for a second and said, ‘wait, what is that?’ and pointed straight ahead. This of course made me stand up and look around and say ‘What? What am I supposed to be looking at?’ all the while he took his water bottle and poured some water on my seat. I sat back down and jumped back up again, feeling the back of my pants, all the while Trace was laughing away. ‘Now,’ he said in between insatiable laughing spasm ‘It’ll look like you peed your pants!’ and he burst into a harder fit. My face immediately turned red and I punched him in the arm and sat in the seat behind. When I got to school that day, I was relentlessly made fun of and earned such names as “The Bus Water Boy” and “Mr. Pee-Body” (Not very creative in their entirety but still hurtful anyways.)
Yet that was just how Trace and I got along. It didn’t matter that he played tricks on me like this because he was a loyal as friend as they come. We grew up since pre-school together and could not be separated no matter how hard anyone could try. Not that they had tried, though, because seeing Trace and I together was something beautiful. It was a friendship that was honest and truthful and always fun. Whenever we were together, it didn’t matter who we were with, because they had fun too. It’s like when someone goes to an art museum and admires a painting because of how all the elements work together to complete the painting as a whole. The foreground with the background, the use of bright colors against dark colors, they all compliment each other and make it what it is, and that was what it was like for people to watch us. A display of friendship in it’s innocence, how it should be.
After a very slow two minutes of searching for my cell phone I stumbled upon it with my hands in the water of the puddle. I picked it up and tried to turn it on but it was too water logged, because it wouldn’t start.
“Trace! Look what happened now because of your stupid prank, now my cell phone is ruined. This was expensive….Trace! Come on, Trace, I’m starting to worry now…Trace!”
No one answered me. I got up, put my broken cell phone in my pocket, and started forward looking for a wall or something to hang on to while I walked and looked for Trace. I moved forward, arms in front of me feeling the air. I took about five paces forward and felt the stalagmites hard texture again. I walked along the row of them moving now to the left, or at least what I thought was the left. I couldn’t tell where I entered from anymore.
As I walked, the stalagmites started to get bigger, almost like a growing fence, and I never reached the other side of the cave, no matter how long I walked. I just kept walking and trudging along, calling out Trace’s name.
“Maybe I’m just getting smaller,” I said aloud to myself, “I mean, these things can’t keep getting bigger forever.”
But they did, each one was consecutively bigger than the last and there was no end to them or the cave, which didn’t make sense seeing as how I always thought the cliff was no longer than one-hundred yards across.
Suddenly, there was a drop off in the ground I was walking on, and unable to hold my balance with the one foot that was still on the floor, I slipped off and grabbed the ledge with my hands. My fingers were barely able to hold on and I frantically felt around with my legs for a foothold in the ledge.
“Trace! Help! I’m going to fall!”
There was another high-pitched giggle from above a couple yards from where I was holding on.
“Who…who is that? Trace, is that you? I need help!”
Then, I heard a loud cracking sound, like a whip, and it threw me off guard and I let go of the ledge. I fell for what seemed for and eternity. I was in a black spin and could not tell if I was conscious or unconscious and just in a dream. I was in complete darkness and the only way that I did know that I was awake was because I could feel the wind rushing past me as I fell. Knowing that death was certain for me when I reached the bottom, I started to cry thinking about all that had gone wrong, wishing that I had never gone into the stupid cave in the first place. ‘If only I could take it all back, and played along with Trace’s stupid game, then I might have lived.’ Sobbing, crying and still in shock when I felt the unexpected sharp pain in the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious.
Basically, this is the startings of a fantasy novel. It is in first person with an unnamed character which I would like to keep unnamed for the time being. Description is good as well as flashbacks from where he came from to give the reader more insight on what the main character is like. He is male and human, but any characters he meets in this new world can be any gender you like, any race you like etc. Magic was also planned to be in this story so you can use that as well. This is for me and you to use so please help me out! thanks a lot guys, good writing!
IC: It was the most peculiar thing I think I’ve seen in a long time. It’s as if a cave just appeared out of nowhere in the middle of the Sandstone cliff that I passed everyday. Hiding behind that bush it must have been easy to overlook….. yeah, that must have been it.
I dropped my backpack on the ground and peered inside the depths of the small opening to the cave that had to be no higher than four feet tall. I took my cell phone out of my pocket and opened it up inside of the cavern to use as light. I ducked down to a crouch and examined the hard stone that I had passed everyday, seemingly without a care, and felt it’s hard divots and bumps as I ran my fingers over it. The pale yellow outside in contrast to the dimly lit inside gave me a strange feeling. I waddled through the opening and felt as if I was in a different place, somewhere new…exciting almost. I moved my phone up and down the walls and across the floor and examined it too, to make sure that there would be no surprises when I entered. A wall of stalagmites blocked the path ahead and at the sight I looked up to see stalactites as well above them. They were massive and had to be at least six and a half feet tall, nothing I could climb over. I stared at them for a moment noticing how they looked in resemblance to a mouth… No, not a mouth, they looked like a row of teeth. It was as if I should happen to wander too close that they would cut you right in half. This was strange because stalagmites and stalactites usually formed vertical to one another, not interspersed like they were here. Either the cave was not level and somehow I couldn’t feel it or this cave wasn’t right in itself. In the present lighting, I assumed both to be reasonable logic.
I crept along to a stalagmite and felt the top of it. It was cold and wet. I wiped the water that was now on my hands onto my pants and looked for a way around these six and a half foot tall mountains that blocked my path. It was still too dark to tell, even with my cell phone lighting the way, if there was a break in the line although I knew the cavern was only at most twenty feet across. I decided to clumsily feel my way around from one end to the other.
“Trace!” I called out, “This isn’t funny! Let’s get out of here, this isn’t fun at all.”
I heard a giggle maybe 30 yards further into the cave and assumed it must be Trace so I continued to look for a way around. I followed the stalagmites right looking at their sharp, contrasting structure as I went. They were darker than outside, probably because of the water sediment that made them. They were a little oppressive seeing as how they were much taller than me and looked like the teeth that belonged to a gigantic beast. I imagined what it would be like to be inside the mouth of something like that and it didn’t differ much from what I was in now. Cold, wet, and sticky. The only thing that was missing was the tongue, and for all I knew, there could still be one on the other side of the teeth.
I continued walking and thinking for about five paces when my head was greeted firmly by a wet wall. My head bounced off the wall and I fell backwards, soaking my clothes on the also wet ground. The white tee-shirt that I was wearing was now soaked with water, and was probably covered in mud. I would have looked to see but my cell phone had fallen in the puddle next to me and I was now groveling around to find it. I splashed my hands through the water and searched for it, now blind. There was mucky goop at the bottom which made it extremely hard to search.
I continued this frantic search for my only light source as the dark became heavier with my imagination. I thought of all the abominable monsters that could creep up on me in the dark, including trolls, vampires, and the oh so real: mice.
“Damn you Trace, get your butt out here or I’m leaving! This is ridiculous,”
I knew it was an empty threat. He could really be hurt and I would never leave him here in a situation like this, even if he was playing a joke. This was like Trace though, he was always playing pranks, especially on me. In 8th grade, we were on the bus and he stood up from his seat for a second and said, ‘wait, what is that?’ and pointed straight ahead. This of course made me stand up and look around and say ‘What? What am I supposed to be looking at?’ all the while he took his water bottle and poured some water on my seat. I sat back down and jumped back up again, feeling the back of my pants, all the while Trace was laughing away. ‘Now,’ he said in between insatiable laughing spasm ‘It’ll look like you peed your pants!’ and he burst into a harder fit. My face immediately turned red and I punched him in the arm and sat in the seat behind. When I got to school that day, I was relentlessly made fun of and earned such names as “The Bus Water Boy” and “Mr. Pee-Body” (Not very creative in their entirety but still hurtful anyways.)
Yet that was just how Trace and I got along. It didn’t matter that he played tricks on me like this because he was a loyal as friend as they come. We grew up since pre-school together and could not be separated no matter how hard anyone could try. Not that they had tried, though, because seeing Trace and I together was something beautiful. It was a friendship that was honest and truthful and always fun. Whenever we were together, it didn’t matter who we were with, because they had fun too. It’s like when someone goes to an art museum and admires a painting because of how all the elements work together to complete the painting as a whole. The foreground with the background, the use of bright colors against dark colors, they all compliment each other and make it what it is, and that was what it was like for people to watch us. A display of friendship in it’s innocence, how it should be.
After a very slow two minutes of searching for my cell phone I stumbled upon it with my hands in the water of the puddle. I picked it up and tried to turn it on but it was too water logged, because it wouldn’t start.
“Trace! Look what happened now because of your stupid prank, now my cell phone is ruined. This was expensive….Trace! Come on, Trace, I’m starting to worry now…Trace!”
No one answered me. I got up, put my broken cell phone in my pocket, and started forward looking for a wall or something to hang on to while I walked and looked for Trace. I moved forward, arms in front of me feeling the air. I took about five paces forward and felt the stalagmites hard texture again. I walked along the row of them moving now to the left, or at least what I thought was the left. I couldn’t tell where I entered from anymore.
As I walked, the stalagmites started to get bigger, almost like a growing fence, and I never reached the other side of the cave, no matter how long I walked. I just kept walking and trudging along, calling out Trace’s name.
“Maybe I’m just getting smaller,” I said aloud to myself, “I mean, these things can’t keep getting bigger forever.”
But they did, each one was consecutively bigger than the last and there was no end to them or the cave, which didn’t make sense seeing as how I always thought the cliff was no longer than one-hundred yards across.
Suddenly, there was a drop off in the ground I was walking on, and unable to hold my balance with the one foot that was still on the floor, I slipped off and grabbed the ledge with my hands. My fingers were barely able to hold on and I frantically felt around with my legs for a foothold in the ledge.
“Trace! Help! I’m going to fall!”
There was another high-pitched giggle from above a couple yards from where I was holding on.
“Who…who is that? Trace, is that you? I need help!”
Then, I heard a loud cracking sound, like a whip, and it threw me off guard and I let go of the ledge. I fell for what seemed for and eternity. I was in a black spin and could not tell if I was conscious or unconscious and just in a dream. I was in complete darkness and the only way that I did know that I was awake was because I could feel the wind rushing past me as I fell. Knowing that death was certain for me when I reached the bottom, I started to cry thinking about all that had gone wrong, wishing that I had never gone into the stupid cave in the first place. ‘If only I could take it all back, and played along with Trace’s stupid game, then I might have lived.’ Sobbing, crying and still in shock when I felt the unexpected sharp pain in the back of my head and I was knocked unconscious.
I think I'm going to go cry in my little corner....